A Faithful Break Down

I want to describe what I will call a Faithful breakdown and how I had a complete breakdown over it all, I am still full of Faith. Laying awake at 3 o’clock in the morning, my thoughts began to race and it hit me all at once that I have leukemia!! Before tonight It all just seemed like a dream. Something in passing that was going to be temporary didn't seem real. Again, I thought “I have Leukemia” and not just any form of leukemia, but a rare form in adults that has a poor prognosis. Only approximately 40% of adults with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) live beyond five years. In addition, after the first round of chemo, I was supposed to be in remission, meaning there were no cancer cells detected, but a bone marrow biopsy showed that didn’t happen. I have cancer cells that weren’t destroyed so I have what is called Minimal Residual Disease (MRD). Unfortunately, MRD hurts the prognosis which just means the hill to conquer just got a little steeper. One positive is that there was a major drop in bad cell count and the number of cells left is a fairly small quantity. Before the first round of treatment, the number was 1.4%, and after it was 0.14%. I am unsure what the numbers mean but Doctor Shami indicated it was a small number. But the scary part is that there's still some left after the first treatment, which, again does not bode well for the prognosis. It hit Sherrie hard when we met with Dr. Shami yesterday when he was making his rounds at the hospital, as he reiterated the fact that there was still some cancer left over. He had already told us this fact, but this time, for some reason, it felt different. It took the wind out of our sails and we felt the seriousness of the cancer. Sherrie has cried herself to sleep many times and struggles with what the future holds, but she remains optimistic that we can beat this thing together but things like this make it hard. Sometimes I wish there was more I could do to help comfort and support her. She is such a strength and support and in my weakened state, it is hard to watch her as she carries so much, including sometimes having to help me get dressed. I am thankful beyond words for her and the sacrifices she makes for me. I didn’t know my love for her could grow anymore but it does every day. I’ve had many sleepless nights in my hospital room but this night I found myself sobbing uncontrollably. Sherrie was asleep and maybe I should have woken her, I know she would be scolding me right now, telling me I should have woken her, but she looked so peaceful I didn’t want to disturb her. What was the future going to be like? How much pain am I going to have to bear? How am I going to handle the side effects of the chemo? How am I going to make a living? And on and on went the questions in my mind and wetter and wetter went my eyes. After I had gathered myself and could see, I decided to find some comfort in how others made it through their trials and watched a couple of inspirational videos from the church's website. I found this to help and not at the same time but two that stood out were “The Savior heals All wounds” and “Life is incredibly unfair- in our favor” Both were inspiring, and gut-wrenching and brought our situation close to home. I say helpful not because they fill me with hope but also recognize what I have to face and the challenge ahead. The Spirit has taught me that we each have our own Mount Everest to climb. Like in the videos, it may be the loss of a loved one or major physical trauma. Mine is Leukemia and Bipolar disorder and yours may be something completely different but they are all real to each of us. Sometimes we discount our trials as we compare them to others but we need to remember that “To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby.” D&C 45:12. My level of difficulty with Leukemia can be the same level of difficulty for someone else struggling with a bully at school, weight loss, or even taking a test. When we begin to compare our different trials to others, we open the door for the adversary to discourage us, to make us feel small and incapable of doing great things. But we can use the stories of others to inspire, encourage, and help us realize that the Lord is involved in the details of the details of our lives and that if they can make it so can I. The messages in the video inspired me enough to turn down the tears a little though I still was feeling pretty hopeless. Does this mean I've given up on a full recovery or a cure? Absolutely not, It just means that I need some reassurance from our Father in Heaven that all will be ok and that I'm not a quitter. I'm a fighter and will do everything I can to beat this cancer. So, what is a Faithful Breakdown? To me, it means that we can have moments where we experience hopelessness and that there is no reason to go on but if we hold to our faith and the love our Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ have for us, “It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.” Elder Jeffery R. Holland “An High Priest of Good Things to Come” October 1999 I have a friend who has launched a Fundraiser for our family. Click the link and read the story. You can share it, donate, and/or join the team. https://www.gofundme.com/f/jasons-fight-faith-family-and-the-will-to-beat-cancer